Welcome back to The Weekly Weird, the only news broadcast that understands the world is mostly just a glitch in the simulation. I’m your host, and if you’re listening to this, congratulations—you survived another seven days of absolute nonsense. Let’s get into it.
First up, science has finally answered the question nobody asked: “What if Jaws could party?” Marine biologists in Brazil have confirmed that sharks off the coast of Rio de Janeiro have tested positive for cocaine. That’s right. High concentrations. Apparently, the sharks are absorbing it from the water due to runoff. Great. Just what the ocean needed—apex predators with the zoomies. Scientists say the sharks are acting “hyperactive and erratic.” You think? If I saw a Great White grinding its teeth and asking to borrow five dollars for a business idea, I’d get out of the water too.
Moving over to Europe, the Catholic Church is upgrading its tech support. A church in Lucerne, Switzerland, has installed an “AI Jesus” in the confessional booth. It’s a hologram that answers spiritual questions in 100 different languages. I’m not saying this is the beginning of the end, but do we really want to train AI on our sins? One minute it’s granting absolution, the next it’s calculating that the most efficient way to reduce sin is to delete the users. Also, imagine the data privacy policy on that.
“Your confession may be recorded for training and quality assurance purposes.”
Meanwhile, in the United States, democracy is under attack—in the bear community. The organizers of Katmai National Park’s annual “Fat Bear Week” revealed they uncovered a massive voter fraud scandal. Someone spammed the online poll to inflate the vote count for Bear 747. Look, I know politics is dirty, but can we leave the chubby bears out of it? Bear 747 is a tank, he doesn’t need bots to win. He ate forty salmon yesterday; he earned that title. This is why we can’t have nice things.
And of course, we have to check in on our favorite superhero, Florida Man. The Coast Guard has once again intercepted a man trying to cross the Atlantic Ocean in a homemade “hydro-pod.” Which is a fancy word for a giant, floating hamster wheel. This guy has tried this four times. He wants to run to London. On water. You have to admire the commitment. Most of us give up on a jog after twenty minutes; this guy is trying to power-walk to England. The Coast Guard called the vessel “manifestly unsafe.” I call it “cardio with consequences.”
Finally, the TSA in Wisconsin got a surprise this week when a passenger sent a backpack through the X-ray machine. The security officer looked at the monitor and saw… a dog. A live dog. The passenger claimed they “didn’t know” the dog had to be taken out. Folks, if you are traveling with a pet, please remember: the X-ray machine is for laptops and shoes, not for Fluffy. The dog is fine, by the way, although he is reportedly very confused about why he glows in the dark now.
That’s the news. Remember, the world is weird, but at least the sharks are having a good time. I’m out. Goodnight!
Backgrounder Notes
Based on the article provided, here are five key facts and concepts with accompanying background information to provide further context for the reader:
Oswaldo Cruz Foundation Study (Cocaine Sharks) This references a 2024 study by the Oswaldo Cruz Foundation in Brazil, which found that all 13 Brazilian sharpnose sharks tested near Rio de Janeiro carried high levels of cocaine in their muscles and livers. The contamination is attributed to inadequate sewage treatment facilities failing to filter the drug and its byproducts from the water supply.
Deus in Machina (AI Jesus) The "AI Jesus" installation, officially titled Deus in Machina, was a temporary art project housed at St. Peter’s Chapel in Lucerne, Switzerland. Developed by university researchers, the holographic avatar was trained on the New Testament to engage in theological debates and provide pastoral advice, intended to spark conversation about the role of technology in faith.
Hyperphagia (Fat Bear Week context) Fat Bear Week celebrates the biological phenomenon of hyperphagia, a period of excessive eating that brown bears undergo to build vital fat reserves for winter hibernation. Bear 747, a dominant male at Katmai National Park, is a frequent champion of the competition and is estimated to weigh as much as 1,400 pounds (635 kg) at his peak.
Reza Baluchi (The "Hydro-pod" Runner) The "Florida Man" referenced is Iranian activist and endurance athlete Reza Baluchi, who has attempted to cross the ocean in his homemade "hydro-pod" bubble multiple times since 2014. The U.S. Coast Guard repeatedly intercepts these voyages under the authority of "manifestly unsafe voyages," citing the vessel's lack of propulsion and navigation systems suitable for open ocean travel.
TSA Pet Screening Protocols Contrary to the passenger's actions in Wisconsin, the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) strictly mandates that pets must be removed from carrying cases before the case goes through the X-ray tunnel. Owners are required to walk their pets through the metal detector or undergo a visual and physical inspection to ensure the animal's safety from radiation.
